I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
