conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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