i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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