You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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