I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
