a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
