im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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