peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
