When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
