Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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