i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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