I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
