Ambien. No doubt about it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
