Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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