I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
