A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize