Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
im holly from the hills drunk
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
