who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
