Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
