Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize