The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
