I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
