I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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