we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
