walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
