You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
