Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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