My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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