Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
