broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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