Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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