I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
