I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just cropdusted the office
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
