Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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