i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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