her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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