i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
