Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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