Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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