Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
