You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
