i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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