I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
