Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
