My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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