I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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