My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
