I wish I could punch you in the face.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
