I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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