how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
