when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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