Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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