I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
