Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize