I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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