I met the friendliest cop last night
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize