You're my little dorito
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
