3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Randomize