I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
