I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
