she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
