FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
