I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
