The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's shark week go big or go home
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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