She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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