Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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